YOU
WANT
TO
FEEL
ALIVE

BY

BEL 
HAWKINS

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT YOUR PHONE’S DYING AND YOU NEED TO KNOW WHICH WAY TO GO

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT YOU HAVE A TEAMS MEETING AT 5

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE, GO OUT, BE ONE OF THOSE HOT, 
RECKLESS GIRLS IN A RACERBACK TOP BUT EVERY TIME YOU TRY 
YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM STALL OF A BAR WONDERING HOW MUCH OF CLIMATE CHANGE IS YOUR FAULT

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT FIRST YOU OWE YOURSELF AN EXPLANATION

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT YOU HAVE TO KNOW IT WHEN YOU SEE IT

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT YOU MUST STOP FOR A SECOND
AND LET THE JUICE OF THIS PEACH DRIP DOWN YOUR CHIN

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT FIRST YOU HAVE TO CHECK THE ALGORITHM IF IT’S NOT TOO CRINGE TO TO DO SO

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE SO CALL A FRIEND WHY DID WE THINK
IT WAS MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE LIKE BEING PRESSED UP AGAINST A WALL BEING KISSED LIKE IT’S THE LAST NIGHT ON EARTH IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT FIRST YOU HAVE TO WORK OUT YOUR PERSONAL TAX RETURN

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT THERE ARE A THOUSAND OTHER THINGS YOU CAN BE MANIPULATED INTO FEELING 

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT YOU JUST GOT AN EMAIL ASKING
FOR A QUICK CALL

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT THERE’S A BLACK FRIDAY SALE ON

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE SO YOU PUT YOUR PHONE ON DO NOT DISTURB THEN SPEND THE WHOLE DAY
WORRYING THAT SOMETHING
BAD HAS HAPPENED AND NO ONE CAN REACH YOU

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BECAUSE WHAT ELSE IS THERE

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT THREE WEEKS AGO AT A PARTY YOU TOLD A STRANGER A SECRET AND NOW YOU CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT YOU’VE MADE TOO MUCH OF YOUR LIFE PUBLIC

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT FIRST YOU HAVE TO LISTEN

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT FIRST YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT EVERYONE IS JUST AS REAL AS YOU

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT FIRST YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT A DIFFERENT LIFE IS POSSIBLE 

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH TO BELIEVE IT

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT YOU HAVE TO WEAR THIS BIG
MOTHERFUCKING PUFFER JACKET UNTIL MARCH

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT FIRST YOU HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE
AND THEN YOU HAVE TO STAY IN LOVE

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT THE HOT COALS OF LIFE ARE
SOMETIMES TERRIFYING AND YOU HAVE TO HAUL YOURSELF OVER
THEM ANYWAY

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT A BUNCH OF STUPID MEN IN POWER
ARE GATHERING IN A ROOM RIGHT NOW WITH THE SPECIFIC PURPOSE
OF RUINING EVERYTHING

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT FIRST YOU ARE BECOMING WHO YOU TRULY ARE

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT IT’S ALSO TUESDAY NIGHT

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT WHAT IF THAT MEANS RISKING EVERYTHING

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT EVERYONE KEEPS SAYING GIVE IT TIME

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT YOU JUST GOT ADDED TO ANOTHER GROUP CHAT FOR A HENS PARTY

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT WHAT ABOUT IMPERFECTION CAN THAT JUST BE ENOUGH FOR A MINUTE

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT FIRST YOU MUST FORGIVE YOUR PARENTS FOR BEING HUMAN

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT THIS TAKES WORK AND YOU ALREADY DO THAT ALL DAY

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT THE IMAGES THAT COME UP WHEN
YOU GOOGLE SEARCH YOUR NAME DON’T FULLY CAPTURE YOUR JOYFUL, LOVING NATURE

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT THE TAROT READER ONLINE SAID BEST TO WAIT

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE SO YOU BOOK A FLIGHT, BUT ONCE YOU LAND

YOU REALISE YOU’RE THE SAME PERSON INSIDE DAMN

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT IT’S THE BAD THINGS THAT OFTEN MAKE YOU FEEL IT MOST OH WELL

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT FIRST YOU HAVE TO SIT IN THE SUN FOR TEN MINUTES AND REMEMBER LOVE IS REAL

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE SO YOU TAKE THE FIRST SIP OF A DIET COKE AND FOR A SECOND YOU LEVITATE

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT YOU WANT TO PROTECT YOUR PEACE

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE BUT WHAT IF YOU GET THE THING YOU WANTED ALL ALONG THEN WHAT

YOU WANT TO FEEL ALIVE AND ONE DAY YOU’RE JUST WALKING DOWN YOUR STREET AND YOU JUST DO AND
IT’S SUCH AN EVERYDAY KIND
OF FEELING YOU ALMOST DON’T NOTICE IT, AS THOUGH YOU FELT THIS WAY THE WHOLE TIME JUST FORGOT TO REGISTER IT.

IT COMES GENTLY AT FIRST, THEN INTENSE, THEN HIGH, THEN SOFT. MAYBE NOTHING REMARKABLE HAS HAPPENED AT ALL. YOU GOT NO 
WARNING FOR THIS SWEET FEELING.

THIS MAKES YOU SAD, BECAUSE YOU KNOW IT’S FLEETING AND YOU DON’T WANT TO RUIN IT, DON’T WANT IT TO END.

AND THEN YOU REALISE THAT LACK OF TOTAL CONTROL, THAT STRIKE OF CHANCE, THAT TIME AND PLACE WE’RE ALWAYS SEARCHING FOR AND ONLY SOMETIMES REACH

IS SIMPLY HOW IT IS.
HOW WE MUST BE.
FROM THE DARKEST OF DAYS
FREEDOM SPRINGS UP THROUGH 

CRACKS IN THE ASPHALT.